Quotes - Defining Page 2

QUOTES - Defining (Page 2)

Quotes - Defining Page 1

Purvey: The sound made by an overwrought Jewish cat.
-- Author Unknown

Tactics: A new kind of breath mint for dyslexics,
-- WFS

Obligation is pouring the milk; love is putting in the chocolate.
-- Author Unknown

ABUNDANCE A big party held in a bakery.
-- Author Unknown

REHEARSAL A casket's second trip to the cemetery.
-- Author Unknown

Aquarium: A house of gill repute.

SUCCESS:
To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty,
to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Eyebrows: What I do when I'm at the bookstore.

Confidence: Confidence is that feeling by which the mind embarks in great
and honorable courses with a sure hope and trust in itself.
-- Cicero

Bored room: A place where company meetings run overtime.
-- Author Unknown

April is the time of year when the green returns to the trees, the lawns,
and the Internal Revenue Service.
-- Author Unknown

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one
armrest in a movie theater (or on a plane).

Experience: Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do
with what happens to you.
-- Aldous Huxley

Apathy: One good thing about apathy is you don't have to exert yourself to
show you're sincere about it.
-- Author Unknown

Adolescence: the age at which children stop asking questions because they
know all the answers.
-- Author Unknown

Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.
-- Samuel Butler

Eye Contact: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women
have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due
to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not
located in her chest.
-- Author Unknown

Leader: A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.
-- John C. Maxwell

Courage : courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.
-- John Wayne

A conscience: What hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-- Author Unknown

Fisherman: A sportsman who first lies in wait for a fish, and then lies in weight after catching it!
-- Author Unknown

Experience: The comb life gives you after you lose your hair.
-- Author Unknown

A Bore: Someone who persists in holding his own views, even after we have enlightened him with ours.
-- Author Unknown

Egotist One who is always me-deep in conversation.
-- Author Unknown

WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary
susceptibility to domestication. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts
of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.

Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.

Vacation: A time when parents realize that teachers aren't paid enough.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
-- Author Unknown

Definition of a will: A dead give away.
-- Author Unknown

Happiness: sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding
out she spent two weeks at a nudist colony.
-- Johnny Carson

Pessimist: An optimist with experience.

Pediatricians Men of little patients.
-- Author Unknown

Economics: ... economics is a lot like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you,
but it never does to anyone else.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson

Bordello: A lackadaisical greeting by service industry workers.
-- Author Unknown

Foreign aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Rick

Evening news: Where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
-- Author Unknown

Himalaya: Exclamation on seeing a rooster give eggs.
-- Author Unknown

Downplay: A mock fight done with pillows.
-- Author Unknown

Genealogy: The science of looking for better relatives
-- Author Unknown

Politician: a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
-- Oscar Levant

Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.
-- Author Unknown

Bookkeeping: The practice of never returning library books.

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
-- Stephen Leacock

Bagonize: To wait anxiously for your suitcase to appear on the airport baggage carousel.
-- Author Unknown

The future: That time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.
-- Author Unknown

Eyedropper: Aa clumsy ophthalmologist.
-- Author Unknown

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
-- Author Unknown

Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
-- Author Unknown

Misty: How golfers create divots.
-- Author Unknown

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
-- Author Unknown

Polarize: What penguins see with.
-- Author Unknown

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
-- Author Unknown

Relief: What trees do in the spring.
-- Author Unknown

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
-- Author Unknown

Seamstress: Putting 250 pounds in a size 6.
-- Author Unknown

Selfish what the owner of a seafood store does.
-- Author Unknown

Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.
-- Author Unknown

Subdued: Like a guy, like works on one of those Attack Submarine.
-- Author Unknown

Anger: A condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
-- Author Unknown

A fanatic is one who cannot change his mind and will not change the subject.
-- Author Unknown

Taxpayer: Someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to
take the civil service examination.
-- Ronald Reagan

Perverse: How a poet is paid.
-- Author Unknown

Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has insufficient capital to form a corporation
-- Author Unknown

Empowerment: The authority to do exactly what your boss tells you to do.
-- Author Unknown

Hobby: Hard work you wouldn't do for a living.

Success: How high you bounce when you hit bottom.
-- General George Patton

Sweater: A garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly.
-- Author Unknown

Old age: When you still have something on the ball, but are just too tired to bounce it.
-- Author Unknown

True Bravery: Arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife
with a broom, and still having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning ... or are you flying
somewhere?"
-- Author Unknown

Hospitality - making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
-- Author Unknown

Alarm clock ... a device used to wake up people who don't have small kids.

A coach: Someone who tells you what you don't want to hear, who has you see what you
don't want to see, so you can be who you have always known you could be.
-- Tom Landry

Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
-- Aaron Levenstein

Valentine's Day
A day when a woman has dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but
consider herself lucky to get a card ... 4 days late.

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
-- Nikita Khrushchev

Christmas ... a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-- Phyllis Diller

Social Security - a method that guarantees you a steak when you have no teeth left to chew it.
-- Author Unknown

Adult Education - a strenuous effort to learn stuff that bored you when you were young enough
to profit from it.
-- Author Unknown

Bride - a woman who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband carries her across the threshold.
-- Author Unknown

Career Girl - a woman who gets a man's salary without marrying one.
-- Author Unknown

Clever Girl - a woman who knows how to give a man her own way.
-- Author Unknown

Education - what you have left over when you subtract what you've forgotten from what you've learned.
-- Author Unknown

Experience - what you think you have until such time you acquire more.
-- Author Unknown

Good breeding - that quality which enables a person to wait in well mannered silence, while the
loudmouth gets service.
-- Author Unknown

Idiot - any person who fails to see your point in a discussion.
-- Author Unknown

Lawyer - a cat that settles differences between two mice.
-- Author Unknown

Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
-- P.J. O'Rourke

A poem is a momentary stay against confusion.
-- Robert Frost

A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be.
-- Author Unknown

Anatomy (n) something everyone has, but which looks better on a girl.
-- Bruce Raeburn

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
-- Author Unknown

A Normal Existence is: getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic
in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to the job that you need so you can pay for the
clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it.
-- Michael Lean

Wedding Ring: A tourniquet worn on the finger to cut off circulation.
-- Author Unknown

Realism:
An idealist believes the short run doesn't count.
A cynic believes the long run doesn't matter.
A realist believes that what is done or left undone in the short run
determines the long run.
-- Author Unknown

Politicians profit by confusing theories with conditions.

Politics -stealing from the many and giving to the few.
-- Author Unknown

Prejudice - the reason of fools.
-- Author Unknown

Philosophy - A route leading from nowhere to nothing
-- Author Unknown

Vegetarian - an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'
--   Andy Rooney

Religion: the bureaucracy we put between ourselves and the "sense of wonder"
at the astounding beauty of creation and the amazing spin of the Universe.
-- Author Unknown

Nostalgia
A lie, wrapped in a riddle, dipped in a dream.
-- Author Unknown

Politics
The art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and
then misapplying the wrong remedies.
-- Groucho Marx

Key Ring
A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
-- Author Unknown

A Wife's definition of retirement:
Twice as much husband on half as much pay.
-- Author Unknown

Consult
To seek another's approval of a course already decided on.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Diplomacy
The patriotic act of lying for one's country.
-- Ambrose Bierce

The following 2 are thanks to Lis Jessie:

Oral pedectomy
An operation to remove one's foot from one's mouth.
-- Author Unknown

Confusticated
Being confused and frustrated at the same time.
-- Author Unknown

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but
together can decide that nothing can be done.
-- Fred Allen

Abstainer; A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Econometrics is the art of drawing a crooked line from an unproved
assumption to a foregone conclusion.
-- Author Unknown

Relative Humidity: The sweat that forms between you and your cousin's
stomachs when having sex.

A husband: What's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
-- Helen Rowland

Budget: A mathematical confirmation of your suspicions.
-- A.A. Latimer

LOVE, A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the
patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. It is
sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.
-- Ambrose Bierce

A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee.
-- Arnold H. Glasgow

State of the Art - Any computer you can't really afford and your wife
does not want you to buy.

Obsolete - The term describing any computer you have purchased.

Nanosecond - The time it takes for your 'State of the Art' computer
to become obsolete.

Technology: A a queer thing. It brings you great gifts with one hand,
and it stabs you in the back with the other.
-- C. P. Snow

A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air.
A psychotic is the person who lives in it.
A psychiatrist is the one who collects the rent.

Relatension - Seasonal stress caused by the impending arrival of
extended family for a holiday celebration. Especially elicited by
those who have a history of causing strife, trauma, and general
discord. Usage: "My mother-in-law's inevitable dissatisfaction
with my Thanksgiving Day cooking is an annual source of
relatension."

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-- Jane Sellman

A Synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one.
-- Author Unknown

Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure
of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation
of his tale for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman,
he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Rabble, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered
by fraudulent elections.
-- Ambrose Bierce

To steal ideas from one person is called Plagiarism; but stealing from many
different sources is called research.
-- Author Unknown

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted into each other's pocket that they cannot
separately plunder a third.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Holidelusion: Kidding yourself into believing that you still have plenty of
time to finish holiday shopping. Advanced cases can be seen scurrying
down toy store aisles at Midnight.
Usage: "I was so gripped with holidelusion that I actually believed my son
would like the Mini-Mom Kid Kitchen more than the Cosmic Force
Commando Action Set he asked for."
-- Author Unknown

Diskspensor: A friend or relative who always gives CDs as gifts.
Usage: "For my birthday, I got a copy of Slim Whitman Live in Branson
to add to the extensive collection built by my father the diskpensor."
-- Author Unknown

Fakelation: Phony enthusiasm shown for an inappropriate or unwanted
gift. Usage: "Grandma's fakelation was obvious when she unwrapped
the new javelin I bought for her. I should have gotten her the discus.
-- Author Unknown

Unnecesessory: A gift, usually obtained from one of those specialized
catalogs featuring "unique" items, designed for such a specific purpose
that it will be used once, then forgotten in a junk drawer.
Usage: "That solar-powered sock-warmer? Toss it in with the musical
hub-cabs, laser nose-hair trimmer and other unnecessories I got last
Christmas."
-- Author Unknown

Tryptophantasm: A turkey-induced hallucination, usually brought on
after the un-necessary consumption of a third or fourth plateful of
Thanksgiving fare. The afflicted address family as "thou" or "ye",
and continuously request "blessings be bestowed" upon whomever
is in the room.
Usage: Uncle Ted choked down another drumstick, then suffered
such a serious tryptophantasm that he thought he was Miles Standish."
-- Author Unknown

Thanksgiving: An emotional holiday. People travel thousands of
miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover
once a year is way too often.
-- Johnny Carson

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were
admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular
lifeguard.
-- Johnny Carson

Senator: a person who makes laws in Washington when
not doing time.
-- Mark Twain

Husbands: A small band of men, armed only with wallets, besieged
by a horde of wives and children.
-- National Lampoon, 1979

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
-- Mark Twain

Thanks to Esther Gallieshaw for the next 2 quotes.

Appreciation is a wonderful thing; it makes what is excellent in
others belong to us as well.
-- Voltaire

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom
known until it is lost.
-- Charles Caleb Colton

Vote n. The instrument and symbol of a free man's right
to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
-- Ambrose Bierce

YIDDISH, n.
[1] a tongue that never takes its tongue out of its cheek;
[2] the rich traditional language of organized complaint

Secret: What we tell everybody to tell nobody.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Slander: To lie, or tell the truth, about someone.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results.
-- Albert Einstein

Gossip: Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
-- Earl Wilson

Modesty: The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
not to be aware of it.
-- Edgar Watson Howe

Egotist: A person more interested in himself than in me.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Editor: One who sorts the wheat from the chaff and prints
the chaff.
-- Adlai Stevenson

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
-- Author Unknown

HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an
altogether superior creation.
-- Ambrose Bierce

A hobby is something you go goofy over in order to keep from
going nuts over things in general.
-- Ran Dumparapet

Man: An animal [whose] chief occupation is extermination of other
animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such
insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Woman: An animal... having a rudimentary susceptibility to
domestication... The species is the most widely distributed of all
beasts of prey... the woman is omnivorous and can be taught not
to talk.
-- Ambrose Bierce

A baseball fan is a guy who can judge from his seat in the third
deck that the umpire's call was bad, then head for the parking lot
and not be able to find his own car.
-- Author Unknown

Abstainer a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Courage isn't the absence of fear. It's seeing the possibility of
your demise and doing your work anyway.
-- Ronit Herzfeld

1 friggabyte: The size of a file that takes far too long to
transfer over the Web.
-- Author Unknown

Lawyer, an individual whose principal role is to protect his clients
from others of his profession.
-- Author Unknown

Canadian: Someone who knows how to make love in a canoe
-- Author Unknown

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere
may be happy.
-- H.L. Mencken

Research: The process of going up alleys to see
if they are blind.
-- Martson Bates

Experience: That which enables you to recognize a mistake when
you make it again.
-- Franklin P. Jones

Lecture: The art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the
mind of either.
-- Author Unknown

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