I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian.
-- Boxer Mike Tyson on his waning career

I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.
--  California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.
--  President Gerald Ford

Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
--  Yogi Berra

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.  In practice there is.
--  Yogi Berra

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because  you might not get there.
--  Yogi Berra

My vision is to make the most diverse state on Earth and we have people  from every planet on the Earth in this state. 
We have the sons and daughters of people from every planet of every country on Earth.
--  California Governor Gray Davis

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I  am not sure you realize that what you heard is
not what I meant.
--  Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman

Please don't do any unnecessary driving unless it's absolutely necessary.
--  Local radio announcer commenting on hazardous driving conditions

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
 no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall. 
--  Eleanor Roosevelt

I think the pageant's primary focus on the bathing suit is to show how women can take care of themselves.
--  Miss America Suzette Charles

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia.  Let them walk to school like I did.
--  Yogi Berra

I think I'm too old right now.  Maybe down the road.
--  Kobe Bryant
    (when asked if he'd ever compete in the NBA.com Slam Dunk contest again)

If they did, I don't remember.
--  Manny Ramiriz
    (when asked if his team had tested him for attention-deficit disorder)

I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on its head.
--  Yogi Berra

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead.
--  Voltaire

I speak twelve languages.  English is the bestest.
--  Stefan Bergman

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
--  Douglas Adams

I have a very high tolerance to alcohol.  The problem is that I always get drunk long before I reach it.
--  Naomi Rose

Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life.
--  Senator Orrin Hatch

The following are all attributed to Samuel Goldwyn.

An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

In two words, impossible.

Include me out.

I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it.

When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered,
Yes, but keep copies.

When told he couldn't film Radclyffe Hall's The Well of Loneliness because it dealt with lesbians, he replies, All
right, where they got lesbians, we'll use Austrians.

I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart.

If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business.

You fail to overlook the crucial point.

For your information, just answer me one question!'

Its absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.

Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.

Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it.


Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale.

Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success.

True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--
but I'm giving you a definite maybe.

--- end Goldwyn quotes ---

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
--  Samuel Goldwyn

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
-- Yogi Berra

An Irish bull is always pregnant.
--  John Pentland Mahaffy

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that
you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money
What's important is that you continue to do so.
--  Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
--  Yogi Berra

Boxing's all about getting the job done as quickly as possible,
whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds.
--  Boxer Frank Bruno

It's not that I dislike many people. It's just that I don't like many people.
--  Bryant Gumbel

He's living beyond his means, but he can afford it.
--  Samuel Goldwyn

I read part of it all the way through.
--  Samuel Goldwyn

He fakes a bluff.
--  Ron Fairly, Giants broadcaster

Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth-century dialogue.
--  Samuel Goldwyn

I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o'clock to four.
--  Yogi Berra

It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time.
--  Pete Rose

If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping.
--  Yogi Berra

There's a stalled car going west on Sunset Highway.
--  traffic broadcaster's warning

Tuesday Night at the Movies will be seen on Saturday this week instead
of Monday.
--  television announcer

There's nothing wrong with pregnancy. Half the people wouldn't be here
today if it wasn't for women being pregnant.
--  Sarah Kennedy (British radio)

How old was she when she was born?
--  talk show host Virginia Graham

And what is more, I agree with everything I have just said.
--  Piet Koornhoff

We are not ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
--  Vice President

Folks read about the electric chair, they hear about it -- but those
folks with criminal minds don't care about the law. But if they see
that chair moving down the highway, it may save a life.
--  Georgia state senator Ronnie Walker

I'm not going to discuss what I'm going to bring up ...Even if I don't
discuss it, I'm not going to discuss it.
--  President George Bush

I'd find the fellow who lost it, and if he was poor I'd return it.
--  Yogi Berra, answering Casey Stengel's question 'What would you
    do if you found a million dollars?'

I don't know. I'm not in shape yet.
--  Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size

I almost definitely think he will bring more people.
--  Safa Rashtchy

We must restore to Chicago all the good things it never had.
--  Richard Daley, Chicago mayor

The new Irish Flag would be orange and green, and would in the
future be known as the Irish tricolor.
--  Smith O'Brien, Irish revolutionary

I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy.
--  J. Curtis McKay

I have reiterated over again what I have said before.
--  Robert F. Wagner

Hillside Cottage, perfect honeymoon retreat. Living room and bedroom
with bath. Sleeps three.
--  On a flier listing accommodations at the Old Tavern in Grafton, VT.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
--  Thomas Mulligan

I think we're on the road to coming up with answers that I don't think any
of us in total feel we have the answers to.
--  Kim Anderson

There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind.
--  Gib Lewis

The secret to keeping winning streaks going is to maximize the victories
while at the same time minimizing the defeats.
--  John Lowenstein, Baltimore Orioles outfielder

Every monumental inscription should be in Latin, for that being a dead
language, it will ever live.
--  Samuel Johnson, eighteenth-century English writer

I don't want to tell you any half-truths unless they're completely accurate.
--  Dennis Rappaport

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.
- Vince Lombardi

I don't like guns. I blink, and part of acting is trying not to blink when guns go off.
--  Roger Moore

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious
--  Alan Minter

I love sports. Whenever I can, I always watch the Detroit Tigers on radio.
--  President Gerald Ford

In no way is it possible for a person to be in two places at the same time, especially
if there is a great distance in between.
--  Judge Amado Guerrero

Low earnings seem to be the key reason why someone who usually works full time
is a member of a poor family.
--  U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics

This extraordinary man left no children behind him, except his brother, who was
killed at the same time.
--  Unknown Obit writer

That was consciously ambiguous in the sense that any terrorist government or
terrorist movement that is contemplating such actions I think knows clearly what
we are speaking of.
--  Alexander Haig

Some programs have been theatrical masterpieces, but all we're seeing is the
negative side of nuclear war.
--  Senator Barry Goldwater

If a director and I agreed that real nudity would make a difference in how you
see the character, I'd do it.
--  Actress Ali Larter

Bruce Sutter has been around for a while and he's pretty old.  He's 35 years old.
That will give you some idea of how old he is.
--  Ron Fairly, San Francisco Giants broadcaster

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
--  George Gobel

I say no to drugs, but they don't listen.
--  Marilyn Manson

I want to gain 1,500 or 2,000 yards, whichever comes first.
--  George Rogers

Last night I neglected to mention something that bears repeating.
--  Ron Fairly, San Francisco Giants broadcaster

Do not mistake bribe-taking for corruption.
--  Vladimir Rushaylo, Russian interior minister

If we didn't have bonuses, we wouldn't have had anybody working for us.
--  Drexel Burnham Lambert spokesperson, explaining why the company
    gave over $195 million in bonuses just before it filed for bankruptcy.
    Worked real good too, didn't it?

The President is aware of what is going on. That's not to say there is something
going on.
--  Ron Ziegler, Nixon's press secretary

I never had the love this man gave me and I will never have it again.
--  Anna Nicole Smith

Does the published book contain the unpublished part?
--  James H. Campbell

You can't do it that way. You spoil the anticlimax.
--  Michael Curtiz, film director

Half the lies the opponents tell about us are not true.
--  Sir Boyle Roche

He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.
--  Lou Duva

I really didn't say everything I said.
--  Yogi Berra

I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs.
--  Nancy Reagan

Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?
--  An accused thief at his trial

If there's a pileup, they'll have to give some of the players artificial insemination.
--  Curt Gowdy

I'm the football coach around here and don't you remember it.
--  Coach Bill Peterson

To hell with the public! I'm here to represent the people!
--  New Jersey state senator

They were singing without accompaniment. You know -- acapulco.
--  director Gregory Ratoff

We've all passed a lot of water since then.
--  an old Hollywood producer

I can not tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity.
--  Gib Lewis

This unit had as estimated strength of about 2,000 men, of which 300 were women.
-- Army Intelligence Officer Bruce E. Jones

Wait a minute! I'm not interested in agriculture. I want the military stuff.
--  Senator William Scott during a Pentagon briefing about missile silos

The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.
--  Murray Walker

I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.
--  Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson, on being a role model

I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
--  Greg Norman

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.
--  Alan Minter

We're launching this innovation for the first time.
--  New York City mayor Jimmy Walker

If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
--  Terry Venables

I move, Mr. Chairman, that all fire extinguishers be examined ten days
before every fire.
--  A city councilman during a debate

When I'm a blonde, I can say the world is purple, and they'll
believe me because they weren't listening to me.
--  Model/actress Kylie Bax

It [unemployment insurance] provides prepaid vacations for a segment
of our country which has made it a way of life.
--  President Ronald Reagan

I am philosophically opposed to any fare increase. That does not mean I
will not support one.
--  Joseph Alexander, Fairfax County, Virginia supervisor

That's part of American greatness, is discrimination. Yes, sir.
Inequality, I think, breeds freedom and gives man opportunity.
--  Lester Maddox, ex-governor of Georgia

Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by
trawlers and nets.
--  From the British government's report on why cod are disappearing

Since the Governor has let the cat out of the bag there is nothing
left to do but take the bull by the horns.
--  Jeremiah MacVeagh

I smell a rat, I see him floating in the air, but mark me, I shall nip
him in the bud.
--  Sir Boyle Roche

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm
still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the
same again.
--  Sen. Barbara Boxer

For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan.
We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ...
uh ... setbacks.
--  Former President George Bush

Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision.
--  Oscar Levant

Everyone wants to jump into my throat!
--  Michael Curtiz

People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They
don't realize that most of us only make $500,000.
--  Texas Ranger baseball player Pete Incaviglia

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing
they like.
--  Abraham Lincoln

I lost it in the sun!
--  Billy Loes, Brooklyn Dodgers Pitcher, after fumbling a grounder

I don't care what the tape says. I didn't say it.
--  Football coach Ray Malavasi

I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.
--  Former football player/announcer Terry Bradshaw

I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.
--  Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss
    what he thought of the refs, 1986

The similarities between me and my father are different.
--  Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son

They throw Winfield out at second and he's safe.
--  Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein.
--  Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.
--  New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve
disorder.
--  former Chicago mayor John Daley

I'm not indecisive. Am I indecisive?
--  Jim Scheibel

I'm really looking forward to living in the present, even if it will seem
like the past in retrospect.
--  Author Unknown

If you can't make the putts and can't get the man in from second
on the bottom of the ninth, you're not going to win enough football
games in this league, and that's the problem we had today.
--  Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost

The telephone company is urging people to please not use the telephone
unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for
emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away
a pair of Phil Collins concert tickets to caller number 95.
--  a Los Angeles radio DJ shortly after the 1990 earthquake

If I entered into an agreement with that man, I would be sticking
my head in a moose.
--  Samuel Goldwyn

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
--  Dwight D. Eisenhower

Have we gone beyond the bounds of reasonable dishonesty?
--  CIA memo

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
--  Clinton aide George Stephanopolous

You can't just let nature run wild.
--  Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska

If I told you the truth, I'd be a hypocrite.
--  Michael Curtiz

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
--  former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

Sure it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
something else anyway.
--  Othal Brand, member of Texas pesticide review board

There has been no exclusion. We have simply excluded all the women.
--  Nicolas Romanoff

I can't think of any new existing law that's in force that wasn't before.
--  Former President George Bush, discussing import laws

Ever since I was a kid, I've always been a real deep thinker and stuff.
--  Billy Ray Cyrus

If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.
--  Yogi Berra

That's the most unheard-of thing I ever heard of.
--  Senator Joseph McCarthy

The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine
items for the police.
--  Commerce Department spokesman

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help
section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
--  Dennis Miller

I do touch too much bread, yes, more than the next person.
--  advertising exec Samuel Feldman

You are partly one hundred percent right.
-- Samuel Goldwyn

You should hear her sing. She's a female Lena Horne.
--  producer Joe Pasternak

It's about 90% strength and 40% technique.
--  Johnny Walker, wrist-wrestler, on what it takes to be a champ

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
--  Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

John Sununa (then governor of New Hampshire)  You're telling us that
the reason things are so bad is that they are so good, and they will
get better as soon as they get worse?"

James A. Baker (then Secretary of the Treasury) "You got it."

The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to
make use of them till the ladies are seated."
- instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland

Notice: This garment meets the general wearing apparel requirements
of the Flammable Fabrics Act; however, it is flammable and should not
be worn near sources of fire.
--  tag on item of apparel from Wear Guard of Norwell, MA

A brain scan has revealed Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress
fracture of the shin.
--  British broadcaster Jo Sheldon

I feel secure and I want to live with the new, confident me.
--  model Claudia Schiffer

I love a man who can wear my underwear.
--  Actress Yasmine Bleeth

I'm a four-wheel-drive pickup type of guy, and so is my wife.
--  Mike Greenwell, Boston Red Sox outfielder

These items may or may not be available at all times, and sometimes
not at all and other times all the time.
-- notation at the bottom of a Ft. Bragg, California restaurant menu

I didn't say that I didn't say it. I said that I didn't say that I said it.
I want to make that very clear.
--  George Romney

I'll be sad to go, and I wouldn't be sad to go. It wouldn't upset me
to leave St. Louis, but it would upset me to leave St. Louis. It's
hard to explain. You'll find out one of these days, but maybe you
never will.
--  Brett Hull, St. Louis Blues player, explaining his point of view
    after requesting a trade

What's life all about?  Remembering the past, cherishing the
present, and celebrating the future of meat hats.
--  Author Unknown

A few months ago I told the American people I did not trade arms for
hostages. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that's true,
but the facts and the evidence tell me it is not.
--  President Ronald Reagan, on the Iran hostage deal

Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious.
--  Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to
    drive to the basket

We have only one person to blame, and that's each other.
--  Barry Beck

I couldn't care less about all those FICTION stories about what happened
in the year 1500 or 1600. Half of them aren't even true.
--  John Daly, pro golfer

He fakes a bluff!!
--  Ron Fairly (San Francisco Giants announcer)

Today is Father's Day, so everyone out there:  Happy Birthday!
--  Ralph Kiner (NY Mets announcer)

If I wasn't talking, I wouldn't know what to say.
--  Chico Resch

When you have two engines, you have two engines that can fall to bits.
When you have four, you have four that can fall to bits. The less engines
you have, the safer you are."
--  Frank Fickeisen, chief engineer for Boeing, replying to a complaint
    about the dangers of flying two-engine airplanes across the Pacific

It's a beautiful day for a night game.
--  Frank Frisch, sportscaster

This evening is a very different evening from the morning we
had this morning.
--  David Coleman, British sportscaster

When you're in a relationship, it's better to be with somebody who
has an affair than with somebody who doesn't flush the toilet.
--  Actress Uma Thurman

Are you any relation to your brother Marv?
--  Leon Wood, NJ Nets guard, to Steve Alberts, Nets TV Commentator

No unmet needs exist and ...current unmet needs that are being
met will continue to be met.
--  Transportation Commission on Unmet Transit Needs,
    Mariposa County, California

-----------------------------------------------------------------

CLASSIC WELKisms
Compiled by Dick Wilson, a sound mixer who worked on "The
Lawrence Welk Show" for more than three decades.
 

"Now the band will play a medley of tunes from World War Eye."
[World War I]

During an audience warm-up "I just wrote a book, but don't go out
and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finished yet."

"There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of
them."

Introducing a guest performer "His act may start out slow, but it
tapers off."

When an audience was not responding with generous applause "I see
we have a few sourpussies in the group tonight."

Referring to rock music "That's not my cup of dish."

"How do you spell conductor after C-U-N?"

To the band just before going on the air "Boys, look like you're
having fun, but don't have any."

"I just had an idea that went right over my head."

Introducing the high potentate at a Shriner's convention "Ladies
and Gentlemen, your high totem pole."

To his stand-in "Whenever you have a minute I'd like to see you
right now."

To a band member "I never realized that your hair was so close to
your head before."

To a performer who apologized for being late and said he had no
excuse "That's no excuse."

About a vocalist who auditioned "She has a nice voice, but she
looks a little bit too much like Eleanor Roosevelt."

To the dress rehearsal audience about the use of a phony turkey
on the set of a Thanksgiving show "Don't worry, folks, this will
be a real turkey when it gets on the air."

To the person who wrote his cue cards "Don't use the word 'dat'
[that].. I can say 'dis' [this], but I can't say 'dat' [that]."

"I just let it in one ear and out the top of my head."

When a group of people came in to discuss problems in the band
"You know, when people band together, it causes a house divided."

Referring to a singing duo he first heard perform at a nightclub
"They were so good, I could hardly wait to get out of there."

When he found the Hollywood Palace stage to be too small to
accommodate the whole band "Fire four feet of the band."

"I'm keeping perfect time. I'll get my barometer and prove it."
[metronome]

Then there was the time he accused a vocal group of being out of
lip-sync when they were singing live..

"Boys, if you don't stick together, how do you expect me to follow
you-ah?"

"You know, it's a long world."

To the pianist who was rehearsing "Why do you do that? You play
too many notes already."

"That's what really broke the camel's straw."

After a jet plane flew over and disrupted rehearsal "You know,
those jet planes make masonic booms."

To the accordionist "You go over there and play the accordion.
I'll stay here and beat off the band."

Asking the guitarist to accompany a guest vocalist "Get behind
her over here, and give her a nice feel."

Inviting the Wisconsin Cheese Queen in the audience to come up on
stage and dance "Come up here and let us see you cut the cheese."

After a production number in which the Champagne Lady sang of
unrequited love "Yes, she sure looks like a woman who has been
tampered with."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

No refreshments shall be supplied to any member after the above
named hours, and none shall be supplied for consumption off the
club premises except to a member on the premises at the time.
--  by-law in a private social club rulebook

NOTICE: "The Clairvoyant Society will not have its usual
meeting this week, due to unforeseen circumstances."
--  The London Times

It has been one of the warmest 1994's this century.
--  Richard Allinson

The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the
Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other.
--  Dan Quayle

There's no textbook on judgment. I might make one or two other
mistakes but it will certainly be with great forethought.
--  Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C.

Ladies and gentleman, and now Mr. Eddie Playbody will pee for you.
--  announcer, introducing banjoist Eddie Peabody

And I guess with these cameras listening, be sure never to end your
sentence with a-without-end, a sentence with a proposition, because
it will be duly reported all across the country by these guardians
of the ...
--  Former President George Bush

We have nothing against ideas. We're against people spreading them.
--  General Augusto Pinochet of Chile

I only know how to play two ways and that's reckless and abandon.
--  Magic Johnson

If a guy can't get sick on a day like today, he ain't healthy.
--  Yogi Berra

Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses.
--  David Thompson, Denver Nuggets basketball player

Red squirrels ... you don't see many of them since they became extinct.
--  Michael Aspel, British Radio 2

Okay, everyone, now inhale... and then dehale!
-Los Angeles Dodgers captain Maury Wills, leading his teammates
through warm-up calisthenics

Every minute was more exciting than the next.
--  Linda Evans (actress)

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the
ramifications of death are final.
--  singer Cyndi Lauper

They said it couldn't be done, but that doesn't always work.
--  Yogi Berra