Quotes - Humorous Page 2

 Quotes - Humorous Page 3

People who have heard me sing, say I don't.
--  Mark Twain

The difference between America and England is that Americans think
100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a
long way.
--  Earle Hitchner
 

I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my
radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM
stands for.
--  Jasper Carrott

When you take stuff from one writer it's plagiarism; but when you take
it from many writers, it's research.
--  Wilson Mizner

If I had a penny for every time someone had to reboot their PC...
Oh wait I do!
--  Bill Gates, circa 1998

It's not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry
about. It's the twenty-thousand-odd other bullets labeled
"Occupant"
--  Murphy's laws of combat

I'm into golf now. I'm getting pretty good. I can almost hit the
ball as far as I can throw the clubs.
--  Bob Ettinger

Physics isn't a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time
raising money.
--  Leon Lederman

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
--  Dudley Moore

I think it should be a law that if you ever get sucked up into a
tornado, whatever you can grab with your hands while you're swirling
around up there, you get to keep.
--  Jack Handey

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!'
And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see
it a whole lot better.
--  Ellen DeGeneres

I am so tired of all this talk about "straight" and "gay." You cannot
separate men into two camps, "straight" and "gay." That's just an
effort to divide and weaken men. The truth is, there are two kinds
of men men who look good in a tank top and men who don't. And
the ones who do are insufferable.
--  Roy Blount, Jr.

How come you never go out with the same girl twice?
--  Jack the Ripper's mother

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents
a can.  That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
--  Joe Weinstein

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
handicapped.
--  Elbert Hubbard

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
--  Frank McKinny "Kin" Hubbard

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
you are an exceptionally good liar.
--  Jerome K. Jerome

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right
to be taken seriously.
--  Hubert H. Humphrey

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
--  Fran Lebowitz

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are
composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
--  Mark Russell

Don't look back -- something might be gaining on you.
--  Satchel Paige

There is a fine line between genius and insanity.  I have erased this line.
--  Oscar Levant

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
--  Kevin James

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
--  W.C. Fields

The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan
Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct.
     ---William White

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
--  Author Unknown

Every time I try to push that edge of the envelope, I get a paper cut!
--  Author Unknown

It hurts less if you peel yourself off the glass slowly.
--Marc Bergevin, St. Louis Blues NHL hockey player

I've got something that glows in the dark. Wanna see?
--  Madame Curie

There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I
notice. A charming woman is one who notices me.
--  John Erskine

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
--  Phyllis Diller

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
-- Victor Borge

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house
and four people died.
--  Steven Wright

There is a theory that states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and
be immediately replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another that states that this has already happened.
--  Douglas Adams

Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the
whole, I am not to be counted among them.  To put it rather bluntly, I
am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who
wants to go back to the hotel.
--  Fran Lebowitz

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...
in another city.
--  George Burns

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your
dog would go in.
--  Mark Twain

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down.
--  Robert Benchley

Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of
friends.
--  Alexander Pope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow
man, and I hate people like that.
--  Tom Lehrer

I'm still chasing girls.  I don't remember what for, but I'm still
chasing them.
--  Joe E. Louis

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
--  Author Unknown
 

Ever since Eve gave Adam the apple, there has been a misunderstanding
between the sexes about gifts.
--  Nan Robertson

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn
and quoted.
--  Fred Allen

By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves
began to suspect "Hungry."
--  "The Far Side"

I say, why pay outrageous prices for ski trips when I can just stick my
face in the freezer and fall down on the kitchen floor?
--  John Wagner

The last time I was in a woman I was visiting the Statue of Liberty.
--  Woody Allen

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me
god for short, that's cute.  I taught her that.
--  Ellen DeGeneres

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said 'Lost
- $50. If found, just keep it.'
--  Steven Wright

Nothing needs so reforming as other people's habits.
--  Mark Twain

There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't
tell the truth without lying.
--  Josh Billings

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
--  Alex Levine

I hate it when I see one of those road signs that says "Draw Bridge
Ahead" and I don't have a pencil.
--  Lou Chiafullo

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia.
--  Charles Schultz

I don't want to make the wrong mistake.
 -- Yogi Berra

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side,
and it holds the universe together....
--  Carl Zwanzig

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
--  Albert Einstein

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting
thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.
--  Author Unknown

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't
have to experience it.
--  Max Frisch

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's
hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
--  Woody Allen

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving
to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
winning.
--  Rich Cook

English cooking?  You just put things into boiling water and then take
them out again after a long while!
-- An anonymous French chef

If the English can survive their food, they can survive anything!
--  George Bernard Shaw

It takes some skill to spoil a breakfast - even the English can't do it!
--  J K Galbraith

If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care
of myself.
--  Eubie [James Herbert] Blake

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
--  Author Unknown

Thanks to the invention of the telescope, planets that are 100 billion
miles away look to be only 50 billion miles away.
--  John Wagner

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us
nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
--  Calvin Trillin

To have lost one parent is a misfortune.  To have lost both looks like
carelessness.
--  Oscar Wilde

I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Mother took me to
see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
--  Shirley Temple

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those
who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means
"put down".
--  Bob Newhart

The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of
relatives on the train for home.
--  Kin Hubbard

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is
that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
--  Richard Jeni

I didn't have any out-of-body experiences. I had indeed seen a bright,
beautiful light and followed it, but it turned out to be a Kmart tire sale.
--  Lewis Grizzard (on death)

When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
--  Al Capone

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can
with a kind word alone.
--  Al Capone

I like a man who grins when he fights.
--  Winston Churchill

A cat will look down to a man. A dog will look up to a man. But
a pig will look you straight in the eye and see his equal.
--  Winston Churchill

It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
--  Winston Churchill

One was never married, and that's his hell; another is, and that's
his plague.
--  Robert Burton

Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.
--  Mathew Browne

Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
--  Ashleigh Brilliant

Grub first, then ethics.
--  Bertolt Brecht

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
--  Ashleigh Brilliant

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you
hit the target.
--  Ashleigh Brilliant

I'm really glad the guy who invented the Ray Gun was named Ray. Being
shot with a Fred gun just wouldn't sound as cool.
--  Bob Neanover

More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
--  Woody Allen

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
--  Author Unknown

The human race is faced with a cruel choice - work or daytime television.
--  Author Unknown

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law.
This is our idea of useless legislation.
--  Author Unknown

I love kids....
....But I couldn't eat a whole one.....
--  Author Unknown

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
--  H.G. Wells

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
-- Hector Hugh Munro

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
--  Oliver Herford

Never let that bastard into my room again-unless I need him.
--  Sam Goldwyn

If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.
--  Mel Brooks

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
--  Mark Twain

I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
--  Gary Valentine

I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
--  J. Edgar Hoover

On the one hand, men will never  experience childbirth.
On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
--  Jeff Green

And God said: Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on
me.  And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.
--  John Wing

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
Hold my purse.
--  Francois Morency

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the
computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'
--  Rich Jeni

Reminds me of my safari in Africa.  Somebody forgot the corkscrew and
for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
-- W.C. Fields

Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
--  Tim Steeves

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
--  Jimmy Shubert

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane Either you
have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
-  Rich Jeni

My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading.
--  Emo Philips

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is.
--  Lenny Clarke

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural
enemy of a tightrope walker.
--  Emo Philips

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
--  Emo Philips

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
--  Rich Jeni

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
--  Ren Hicks

Things you'll never hear a woman say 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
--  Jeff Green

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty.
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing
quite well for themselves.
--  Emo Philips

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
--  Kevin James

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns
the state into a gay dungeon-master.
--  Emo Philips

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
--  Rich Jeni

If there's one thing I hate, it's a proctologist with poor depth
perception.
--  Author Unknown

Fashion is all about eventually becoming naked.
--  Author Unknown

If you really want something in life you have to work for
it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
--  Author Unknown

No one can consider himself truly married until he understands every
word his wife is not saying.
--  Author Unknown

Dan Quayle is taking leave from his family's newspaper business to run
for president. "However, his family assured him that if he loses, he can
have his old route back."
--  Rudolph J. Cecera

Scientists announced today that they have found a cure for
apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest
bit of interest in it.
--  George Carlin

"There is no free will," said the old sage, "for you may not choose your
parents nor the hour of your birth, neither may you select the time and
manner of your death, nor may you have any voice in what passes in between.
Although if you can afford a good plastic surgeon, you might be able to pick
your nose."
--  Brian Holmes

The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out
another woman in a bar fight. Quite frankly, I think it's
refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is
against world peace.
--  Jay Leno

Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity to be otherwise.
--  Maya Angelou

I left because of illness and fatigue --
the fans were sick and tired of me.
--  John Ralston, former coach of the Denver Broncos

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
--  Tallulah Bankhead

Whoever invented bungee jumping must have watched a lot of
Road Runner cartoons.
--  Nick Arnette

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly,
and lie about your age.
--  Lucille Ball

Some ministers would make good martyrs, they are so dry they
would burn well.
--  Charles Haddon Spurgeon

In high school my parents told me I ran with the wrong crowd.
I was a loner.
--  Jeff Shaw

Leisure time is that five or six hours when you sleep at night.
-- George Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it
through not dying.
-- Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone
and no one is going to make fun of you.
-- Woody Allen

Women like silent men. They think they're listening.
-- Marcel Archard

He was an angry man, Uncle Swanny. He had printed on his
grave "What are you lookin' at?"
--  Margaret Smith

When you get married and have a kid, you can't do all those
things you wanted to do as a young existentialist of seventeen
or eighteen, like kill yourself.
-- Al Rae

People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for
success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving
woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul
Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck

No wife can endure a gambling husband - unless he is a steady winner.
--  Thomas R. Dewar

One day I discovered that my landlord had placed a hidden
camera in my bathroom ceiling.  What a fool!   That's not
where I keep my money!!
--  Anna Williams

Mom spit will clean up everything. Scientists have proven that a
mom's spit is the exact chemical composition of Formula 409.
Mom's spit on a Kleenex; you can get rust off a bumper with
that thing.
-- Jeff Foxworthy

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
-- Phyllis Diller

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
-- Tallulah Bankhead

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull
his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you
understand this?  And radio operates exactly the same way you send
signals here, they receive them there.  The only difference is that
there is no cat.
--  Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are
already born?
-- Benny Hill

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you
procrastinate."
I said, "Just wait."
--  Judy Tenuta

Nishiki Okimoto died yesterday. He was one of the primary
engineers who worked on the original VCR. His funeral
service will be at 1200...1200...1200...1200...
--  Dennis Miller

I was about to walk on to do my show one night when a man in
the audience stopped me and said, 'Rodney, do me a favor
before you go on. Could I have your autograph...and some
more butter?'
--  Rodney Dangerfield

Today begins National Psychic Week...but then, you knew that.
--  Author Unknown

If you want to be safe on the streets at night,
carry a projector and slides of your last vacation.
-- Helen Mundis

If at first you don't succeed, try influencing it with a
large hammer.
--  Author Unknown

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many
men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say
they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
-- Jay Leno

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny
into a plug.  Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him
shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
--Tim Allen

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
--George Carlin

The problem with the designated driver program, is that it's not a
desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
--Jeff Foxworthy

If God had wanted us to use the metric system,
Jesus would have had 10 apostles.
-- US Senator Jesse Helms

Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding
environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a round
container filled with little red fruits on sticks.  Therefore, life is NOT
like a bowl of cherries!
--  Author Unknown

If you're not confused you're not paying attention.
--Wall Street Week

The female of the species is more deadly than the male.
--  Kipling

Men are always sincere. They change sincerities, that's all.
--  Tristan Bernard

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.
--  Bert Leston Taylor

Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting.
--  Yogi (Lawrence Peter) Berra

There comes a time in every man's life and I've had many of them.
--  Casey (Charles Dillon) Stengel

I gave my cat a bath the other day... they love it. He sat
there, he enjoyed it.  It was fun for me also. The fur would
stick to my tongue, but other than that...
--  Steve Martin

It's so simple to be wise.  Just think of something stupid  to
say and then don't say it.
--  Sam Levenson

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when
they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
-- Paula Poundstone

A short wise man is preferable to a tall blockhead.
--  Saadi

Man has his will---but woman has her way.
--  Oliver Wendall Holmes, Sr.

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane
holding his own hand.
--  Fred Allen

How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?
--  An insect

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because
they are more certain they are their own.
--  Aristotle

To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as any.
--  Henry Miller

I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the
house.
-- Yogi Berra

You want us to do WHAT?'
-- Ancient Chinese wall engineer.

If the King's English was good enough for Jesus,  then it's good
enough for me.
-- "Ma" Ferguson, Gov. of Texas (circa 1920)

How come you never see the headlines read:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
--  Author Unknown

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid
to say and then don't say it.
--  Sam Levenson

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and
in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
--  Joe E. Lewis

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
--   Richard Lewis

Deep down I'm a very shallow person
-- Charles Haughey

That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually.
-- Chief Postal Executive, John Hines

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to
suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
--  Ann Bancroft

If you come to a fork in the road, take it!
--  Yogi Berra

If they say it can't be done, it doesn't always
work out that way.
--  Yogi Berra

It is in the nature of cats to do a certain amount of unescorted
roaming.
- Adlai Stevenson

The cat is the only animal without visible means of support who
still manages to find a living in the city.
- Carl Van Vechten

A kitten is more amusing than half the people one is obliged to
live with.
- Lady Sydney Morgan

A cat sleeps fat, yet walks thin.
- Fred Schwab

Even overweight cats instinctively know the cardinal rule when
fat, arrange yourself in slim poses.
- John Weitz

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw my bath toys were
a toaster and a radio.
--Joan Rivers

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them
pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
-- Winston Churchill

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances
for a date on Saturday night.
-- Woody Allen

If you are feeling blue, start breathing again.
--  Author Unknown

Lord give me chastity -- but not yet.
-- Saint Augustine (354-430)

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx

There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
--  Lily Tomlin

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought,
 but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-- Albert Einstein

Be what you is `cause if you be what you ain't, you ain't what you be.
--  Author Unknown

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia.
-- Charles Schulz

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive
Thinking, and then I thought What good would that do?
-- Ronnie Shakes

God acted wisely in putting birth before death; without that arrangement,
what would be know about life?
--  Alphonse Allais

My dream to die young at a very old age.
--  Henri Jeanson

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-- Gilda Radner

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY
BAD for you.
--Tommy Smothers

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
--Dave Barry

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
 -- Author Unknown

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a
bicycle repair kit.
--  Billy Conolly.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished
fifth grade a year before I did.
-- Jeff Foxworthy

It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't.
--Abe Lincoln

"Know thyself"? If I knew myself, I'd run away.
--  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a
practice which is still continued.
-- Helen Rowland

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school
board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the
post.
--Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great
wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there
is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch.
-- Dave James

May is the time when millions of kids graduate from
college and begin a new phase of their training  remedial reality.
--  Robert Orben

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home
atmosphere pleasant --- and let the air out of their tires.
--Dorothy Parke

Don't make me come down there!
-- God

It's a jungle out there, try not to look like food.
--  Author Unknown

Hey! I wear the plants in this family!
--  Adam (to Eve)

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and
furthermore always carry a small snake.
-- W.C. Fields

Researchers say they have been able to slow down the speed of light. Know
how they do it? They take a beam of light, and they aim it through a post
office.
--  Jay Leno

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That
was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
--- Susie Loucks

This guy says, I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a
macho and a sensitive man.  I said, Oh, a gay trucker?
-- Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.
-- Carol Leifer

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-- Wendy Liebman

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-- Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair
under my arms instead.
-- Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next
door to an amusement park.
-- Dolly Parton

Never judge a book by its movie.
-- J.W. Eagan

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took
me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my
autograph.
--Shirley Temple

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying,
but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
--  Jerry Seinfeld

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?
--  Warren Hutcherson

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
--  Jeff Stilson

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else.
--  Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing 'This looks much better on.'  On what? On fire?
--  Marsha Warfield

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
--  Author Unknown

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
--  George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
--  Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not into working out. My philosophy No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must
eat it with naked fat people.
--  Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second
day you're off it.
--  Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, I'd like some fries. The girl
at the counter said, Would you like some fries with that?
--  Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise.
-- Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
--  Dave Edison