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If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
television by candlelight.
-- George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.
Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead. They'll clean it and put it
on a hanger. Next morning buy
it back for seventy five cents.
-- William Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy
is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;
I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
Our bombs are smarter than the average high
school student. At least
they can find Kuwait.
-- A. Whitney Brown
An idiot with a computer is a faster, better
idiot.
-- Rich Julius
Although golf was originally restricted to
wealthy, overweight
Protestants, today it's open to anybody who
owns hideous clothing.
-- Dave Barry
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations
and choosing the one
that will get your home earlier.
-- Author Unknown
Male sexual response is far brisker and more
automatic. It is
triggered easily by things -- like putting
a quarter in a vending
machine.
-- Dr. Alex Comfort
The hypothalamus is one of the most important
parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among
other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. Fighting;
2. Fleeing;
3. Feeding; and
4. Mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology
intro course
I wash everything on the gentle cycle. It's
much more humane.
-- Author Unknown
I don't know what's wrong with my television
set. I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same
station. I actually bought
a congressman.
--Bruce Baum
There are no differences but differences of
degree between
different degrees of difference and no difference
at all.
-- William James, under nitrous oxide,
1882
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.
--Cartoon in The New Yorker
My son has taken up meditation - at least it's
better than
sitting doing nothing.
-- Max Kauffmann
Get your facts first, and then you can distort
them as much as you like.
--Mark Twain
I started out with nothing, and still have
most of it left.
-- Author Unknown
The problem with life is, things often go too
well to justify being a cynical
prick about the whole thing.
-- BS Pyle
The good Lord didn't create anything without
a purpose, but the fly
comes close.
--Mark Twain
Ever wonder about those people who spend two
bucks a throw on those
little bottles of Evian water? Trying spelling
Evian backward.
-- Bill Edwards
******Drinking Quotes******
You can't be a real country unless you have
a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football
team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out
of alcohol than alcohol has
taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all
the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even
have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison
your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
Sir, you're drunk!
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;
Yes, Madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning,
I will be sober and you
will still be ugly.
--His reply
If God had not intended us to drink beer, He
would not have given us
stomachs.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I
gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us
to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while
drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in
the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also
a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone
is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can
tell it from urine.
--David Moulton
People who drink light "beer" don't like the
taste of beer; they just like
to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer
the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop
of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals
such as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make
water, a vital ingredient in
beer.
--Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be
drunk to spend time with
fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
--Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you
don't like me - so let's
just do this and I'll get back to killing
you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
I'm allergic to grass, so what? It could be
much worse, I could be
allergic to beer.
--Greg Norman
******End Drinking Quotes******
The problem with the gene pool is there's no
lifeguard.
-- Author Unknown
The only way to get rid of a temptation is
to yield to it.
--Oscar Wilde
I like to borrow money from pessimists. They
don't expect to
get it back.
-- Author Unknown
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
-- Author Unknown
If I had my life to live again. I'd make the
same mistakes,
only sooner.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
When I realized that what I had turned out
to be was a
lousy, two-bit pool hustler and drunk, I wasn't
depressed
at all. I was glad to have a profession.
--Danny McGoorty (1901 - 1970)
Be an optimist -- at least until they start
moving animals
in pairs to Cape Canaveral.
-- Author Unknown
Come to think of it, there are already a million
monkeys
on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING
like
Shakespeare.
-- Blair Houghton
Real women don't have hot flashes...They have
POWER surges
-- Author Unknown
Great Spirits Have Always Encountered Violent
Opposition
From Mediocre Minds
-- Albert Einstein
You have to respect a woman first because respect
is likely to
be all you wind up with at the finish.
-- Loren D. Estleman
Everything ends up okay. If it's not okay,
it's not over yet.
-- Author Unknown
Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
-- Andy Rooney
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us
to be
happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
The elections are finally over in the US for
another two
years, thank God. I've hit upon what
I think is a fairly
good system for selecting the candidates for
whom I vote --
I just choose the ones I figure will do the
least amount of
harm while in office.
-- Jim Moore Jr.
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man
should challenge
me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly
by the hand and
lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
-- Mark Twain
Energy experts have announced the development
of a new
fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called
assohol.
--George Carlin
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where
it is; we'll find it.
-- Sam Levenson
I have never been lost, but I will admit to
being confused for
several weeks.
-- Daniel Boone
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather
permitting.
--George Carlin
Every journalist is a believer! They may not
believe in God or Darwin's
theory of the origin of the species, but they
all believe in gremlins!
-- B.S. Pyle
I have an intense desire to return to the womb.
Anybody's.
-- Woody Allen
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just
abuse the privilege.
-- Author Unknown
"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops
off significantly after age 25."
-- Mary Ann Tebedo (Republican member of the
Colorado State Senate), remark
on the Senate floor during the 1995 session,
quoted in the Denver Post, May 14, 1995
The whole problem with the world is that fools
and fanatics
are always certain of themselves, but wiser
people are full
of doubts........ I think.
-- Author Unknown
Applying computer technology is simply finding
the right wrench to
pound in the correct screw.
-- Author Unknown
Yes its a small world, but you still wouldn't
want to paint it
would you?
-- Author Unknown
******************
* Gone To The Dogs*
******************
Some days you're the dog; some days you're
the hydrant.
-- Unknown
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot
about puppies.
-- Gene Hill
In dog years, I'm dead.
-- Unknown
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always
go with you in the
car, in case the need should arise for them
to bark violently at
nothing right in your ear.
-- Dave Barry
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the
constant popularity of
dogs.
-- Aldous Huxley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance,
and to turn around three
times before lying down.
-- Robert Benchley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why
you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
-- Sue Murphy
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards
who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves.
-- August Strindberg
No animal should ever jump up on the dining
room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own
in the conversation.
-- Fran Lebowitz
Ever consider what they must think of us? I
mean, here we come back
from a grocery store with the most amazing
haul -- chicken, pork,
half a cow. They must think we're the greatest
hunters on earth!
-- Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members
of a weird
religious cult.
-- Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because
Alpo is up to 99 cents a
can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
-- Joe Weinstein
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it
is that certain dogs I
have known will go to heaven, and very, very
few persons.
-- James Thurber
You enter into a certain amount of madness
when you marry a person
with pets.
-- Nora Ephron
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive
evidence that you
are wonderful.
-- Ann Landers
Women and cats will do as they please, and
men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea.
-- Robert A. Heinlein
In order to keep a true perspective of one's
importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and
a cat that will ignore
him.
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice,
puppy breath is
one of the most fond memories!
-- Dr. Tom Cat
There is no psychiatrist in the world like
a puppy licking your
face.
-- Ben Williams
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog
has a problem.
-- Edward Abbey
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong,
always try to make it
look like the dog did it.
-- Author Unknown
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it
won't buy the wag of
his tail.
-- Author Unknown
No one appreciates the very special genius
of your conversation as
the dog does.
-- Christopher Morley
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves
you more than he loves
himself.
-- Josh Billings
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
-- Holbrook Jackson
The average dog is a nicer person than the
average person.
-- Andrew A. Rooney
He is your friend, your partner, your defender,
your dog. You are
his life, his love, his leader. He will be
yours, faithful and true,
to the last beat of his heart. You owe it
to him to be worthy of such
devotion.
-- Author Unknown
If you pick up a starving dog and make him
prosperous, he will not
bite you; that is the principal difference
between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually
unnoticed by a Great
Dane.
-- Smiley Blanton
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing
look of amazed
contempt, and I am convinced that basically
dogs think humans are
nuts.
-- John Steinbeck
*********************
*End - Gone To The Dogs*
*********************
What matters is not the length of the wand,
but the magic in the stick.
-- Author Unknown
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone
go right on talking when you're interrupting.
-- Author Unknown
Nonconformists are all alike.
-- Author Unknown
There is only one thing in the world worse
than being
talked about, and that is not being talked
about.
-- Oscar Wilde
Human beings are the only animals of which
I am
thoroughly and cravenly afraid.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get
up in the morning.
-- Marlo Thomas
I don't care what you say, women make the best
wives.
-- Dagwood Bumstead
Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
-- Mark Twain
A good catchword can obscure analysis for fifty
years.
-- Wendell L. Willkie
Tact is the art of making guests feel at home
when that's really where you wish they were.
-- George E. Bergman
A neighborhood is where, when you go out of
it, you get
beat up.
-- Murray Kempton
I'd like to get married because I like the
idea of a man
being required by law to sleep with me every
night.
-- Carrie Snow
Owing money has never concerned me so long
as I know
where it could be repaid.
-- Colonel Henry Crown
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If
a man should challenge
me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly
by the hand and
lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
-- Mark Twain
If you pick up a dog and make him prosperous,
he will not
bite you. This is the principal difference
between a dog
and a man.
-- Mark Twain
The scientific theory I like best is that the
rings of
Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline
luggage.
-- Mark Russell
I'm not an ambulance chaser.
I'm usually there before the ambulance.
-- Melvin Belli
The trouble with eating Italian food is that
five or six days later you're hungry again.
-- George Miller
If I could get my membership fee back,
I'd resign from the human race.
-- Fred Allen
You'd be surprised how much it costs to look
this cheap.
-- Dolly Parton
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute
you
wake up in the morning, you're on the job.
-- Lena Horne
I never write "metropolis" for seven cents
because I can
get the same price for "city." I never
write "policeman"
because I can get the same money for "cop."
-- Mark Twain
Here's to our wives and sweethearts -- may
they never meet.
-- John Bunny
There are only two ways of telling the complete
truth:
Anonymously and posthumously.
-- Thomas Sowell
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper.
Every time she gets
divorced, she keeps the house.
-- Henny Youngman
I'm immortal... so far.
-- Earle Robinson
The best revenge is to live long enough to
be a problem to your children.
-- Author Unknown
Sex is natural, but not if it's done right.
-- Author Unknown
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
-- Author Unknown
Whenever I'm caught between two evils,
I take the one I never tried.
-- Mae West
After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said
to me,
"Maybe life isn't for everyone."
-- Larry Brown
You can pick out actors by the glazed look
that comes into their eyes
when the conversation wanders away from themselves.
-- Michael Wilding
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some
just abuse the privilege.
-- Author Unknown
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.
-- Author Unknown
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always
go with you in the car, in case
the need should arise for them to bark violently
at nothing right in your ear.
-- Dave Barry
It's never too late to learn, but sometimes
it's too early.
-- Charlie Brown
It's hard to make predictions...Especially
about the future.
-- Yogi Berra
A student who changes the course of history
is probably taking an exam.
-- Author Unknown
I intend to live forever. So far,
so good!
-- Thom Wright
Learn from the mistakes of others...
You can't live long enough to make them all
yourself.
-- Author Unknown
You know you're no longer a kid when your best
friend is dating someone
half their age ... and isn't breaking any
laws.
-- Author Unknown
The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean)
number of legs.
-- E. Grebenik
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but
then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself
"the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow
but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson
Time's fun when you're having flies.
-- Kermit the Frog
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
-- Mark Twain
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist,
a
woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God
of the
Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
--Quentin Crisp
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace
your
principles or your mistress."
Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them.
-- Slogan of a radio station in Chicago
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
-- Author Unknown
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
-- Student answer on psychology test
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing;
3. feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules,
and
still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is
no
such thing as progress.
-- Ransom K. Ferm
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even
considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
--Ashleigh Brilliant
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--David Letterman
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who need
closure, and...
(Thanks to Mark Schmidt)
Said one friend to another in an upscale coffee bar: "I wish
you
wouldn't embarrass me by ordering PLAIN coffee.
--S. Harris
This wall paper is killing me. One of us will have to go.
--Oscar Wilde, on his death bed
Contrary to popular opinion, facts are not established by popular
opinion."
--Don Watson, ISPE
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
-- Author Unknown
It's too bad the Southern Hemisphere can't split off and join the
Northern Hemisphere for a truly International Spring celebration.
But
then aliens might mistake us for Dolly Parton's bra.
--Dave Wesley
When the snow is up to your knees, about the only thing to be thankful
for is that you're not eight feet tall.
--Doug Larson
Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old mistresses.
--Lord Beaverbrook
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Nobody is totally useless. They can always be used as a bad
example.
-- Author Unknown (Thanks
to Paul Jeffrey)
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a
crack in the concrete.
It's so fuckin' heroic.
--George Carlin
If everything is under control, you're going too slow.
--Mario Andretti
Imagination is only intelligence having fun.
-- George Scialabbe
The line between recession and depression often blurs;
It's recession when your friend's job goes;
depression when it's yours.
-- Harriet Cooper
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've
forgotten this before.
-- Steven Wright
A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single delay of two hours before
takeoff.
-- Bob Levey
A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to
load the car.
-- Palo Alto, CA Peninsula Times Tribune
A person's intelligence can be accurately assessed by the number
of times he
presses the same elevator button.
-- Author Unknown
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will
annoy
enough people to make it worth the effort.
-- Herm Albright
Adults are obsolete children.
-- Dr. Seuss
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or
fattening.
-- Alexander Woolcott
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
-- Agnes Allen's Law
Americans are so tense and keyed up that it's impossible even to
put them to
sleep with a sermon.
-- Norman Vincent Peale
An informal survey shows that what most people want for Christmas
is two
more weeks to prepare for it.
-- Bov Stanley
Anyone who says that truth is stranger than fiction has never heard
a kid
explaining his 3:30 a.m arrival home.
-- Funny Funny World
Being slow to pick up the check is an art with some; you really have
to
hand it to them.
-- Selected Cryptograms
Computers can now keep a man's every transgression recorded in a
permanent memory bank, duplicating with complex programming and
intricate wiring a feat his wife handles quite well without fuss
or fanfare.
-- Lane Olinghouse
Ever notice that food with half the calories costs twice as much?
-- James Dent
Expensive silk ties are the only ones that attract spaghetti sauce.
-- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Familiarity may not breed contempt, but it sure takes the edge off
admiration.
-- Parts Pups '94
Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools.
-- Gene Brown
He's so snobbish, he won't even ride in the same car as his chauffeur.
-- David Frost
He has all the charisma of a speed bump.
-- Will Durst
Her mind was like a spoiled child's bed: soft, comfortable
and constantly
being made up by someone else.
-- Ben Hanna
Here is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on
the
back of his head....It is, as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs,
but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only
he could
stop bumping for a moment and think of it.
-- Winnie-the-Pooh (A.A. Milne)
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions,
including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
-- Doug Larson
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
--The Lutheran Journal
How true! A child's greatest period of growth is the month
after you've
purchased new school clothes.
-- Orben's Current Comedy
I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things
simultaneously.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
I don't get even, I get odder..
--Chalapathi
I know I'm keeping myself young. Why else do folks tell me
to grow up?
-- Gil Stern
I let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
-- Calvin & Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
I still place emphasis on appearance, even though I've run across
a few
well-dressed idiots.
-- Michael Levine
I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
-- Tom Stoppard
I used to watch golf on TV. My doctor told me I needed more
exercise, now I
watch tennis.
-- Joey Adams
If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.
-- Andrew A. Rooney
If I could lose thirty pounds, I'd be down to the weight I never
thought I'd be up to.
-- Kathleen Banks
If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.
-- Helen Castle
If scientists really want end the world hunger, all the have to do
is figure
out how my body turns two ounces of sour cream into five pounds
of fat.
-- Ivern Ball
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
-- Murphy's Technology Law #3
If you can keep your head when all others are losing theirs, maybe
you
just don't understand the situation.
-- Author Unknown
If you find yourself standing in front of the refrigerator asking
yourself
whether you're hungry, you're not.
-- Morris Mandel
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
-- Steven Wright
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in
your
pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.
-- Phil Pastoret
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.
-- Jim Eason
If you want to show how technologically advanced you are, you could
have an
answering machine attached to your car phone that says you're not
in because
you're home.
-- The Cockle Bar
It's always darkest right before you stub your toe.
-- Al Batt
It's true, Hobbes, ignorance is bliss. Once you know things, you
start seeing
problems everywhere, and once you see problems, you feel like you
ought to try
to fix them, and fixing problems always seems to require personal
change, and
change means doing things that aren't fun! I say phooey on
that! If you're
willfully stupid, you don't know any better, so you can keep doing
whatever you
like. The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest.
-- Calvin & Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two
ways of
spelling any word. -- Andrew Jackson
Leaving in a huff is her favorite means of transportation.
-- Orben's Comedy Fillies
Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
-- Jo Houser Haring
Marriage is when you agree to spend the rest of your life sleeping
in a room
that's too warm, beside someone who's sleeping in a room that's
too cold.
-- E.J. Graff
Never assume the obvious is true.
-- William Safire
Common sense isn't very common anymore.
--Mark Twain
Never put off until tomorrow what you can manage to wriggle out of
today.
-- Doug Larson
Never try and teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time, and
it
annoys the pig. -- Mark Twain
Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than
being there.
-- Franklin P. Jones
Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.
-- Steven Tyler, Aerosmith
Old age is by nature rather talkative.
-- Cicero
One-half the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too
quickly and not saying no soon enough.
-- Josh Billings
One good thing about being young is that you are not experienced
enough
to know you cannot possibly do the things you are doing.
-- Gene Brown
One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance
no one's
heard it before.
-- Doug Larson
One place where you're sure to find the perfect driver is in the
back seat.
-- Homer Phillips
Outside a dog, man's best friend is a book, inside a dog, it's too
dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx
People who cannot lead and refuse to follow, make a dandy roadblock.
They impede progress and are hard on the nerves.
-- Author Unknown
Polite conversation is neither.
-- Parts Pups '94
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
-- Donald Marquis
Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.
-- James Thurber
Sending a child to college is like buying a new car every year and
never
getting to drive it.
-- Bonnie Rorrer
Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
-- Author Unknown
She's got a forked tongue, and the knife to go with it.
-- C. M. Ashby
Show me a home where the buffalo roam, and I'll show you a very messy
house.
-- Current Comedy
Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion
and
unhappiness.
-- James Thurber
Solitude is a good place to visit but a poor place to stay.
-- Josh Billings
Some families can trace their ancestry back 1,000 years but can't
tell you where their children were last night.
-- Parts Pups '94
Some folks are mental tourists - their minds wander.
-- Parts Pups '94
Some ideas are so stupid that only intellectuals could believe them.
-- Michael Levine
Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
-- William Dean Howells
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the
longest way.
-- Samuel Butler
The difference between truth and fiction: fiction has to make sense.
-- Mark Twain
The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog,
for the
clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the
two animals.
-- James Thurber
The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time. The last 10%
takes the other 90%.
-- 90-90 Rule of Project Schedules
The first day of spring is one thing, and the first spring day is
another.
The difference between them is sometimes as great as a month.
-- Henry Van Dyke
The idea that no one is perfect is a view most commonly held by people
with
no grandchildren.
-- Doug Larson
The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the ocean searching for a
suitable
rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life.
When it finds
its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain anymore, so it
eats it.
It's rather like getting tenure.
-- Author Unknown
The more desperate your phone call, the longer you will be put on
hold.
-- Murphy's Law #13
The more urgent the problem, the longer it will take for service.
-- Murphy's Law #37
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly
either
proven right or pleasantly surprised.
-- George F. Will
The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to
the
embarrassment he can tolerate.
-- Doug Englebart
The sandwich dates back to the time man discovered he could not live
by
bread alone.
-- Author Unknown
The squeaky wheel gets the grease but it's also the first one to
be
replaced. -- Parts Pups '94
The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into
Monday.
-- Doug Larson
The trouble with giving advice is that people want to repay you.
-- Franklin P. Jones
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're
not in shape
for it, it's too far to walk back.
-- Franklin P. Jones
The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're
funny, and
nobody else thinks they're jokes.
-- American Legion Magazine
The trouble with people is not that they don't know, but that they
know so
much that ain't so.
--Josh Billings
The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way
again.
-- Korman's Conclusion
The trouble with the voice of experience is that it won't keep its
mouth shut.
-- Al Bernstein
There's no point in burying the hatchet if you're going to put up
a marker
on the site.
-- Sydney Harris
There are lies, there are damn lies, and then there are statistics.
-- Mark Twain
There are no dumb questions-- only dumb answers.
-- Marshall Loeb
There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting
like a
devil or a lunatic.
-- George Orwell
Things you should never say once without thinking twice:
"It's no trouble at all."
"Call me any time."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"I'll try anything once."
"Of course, bring the kids."
"Don't worry-there's more where that came from."
-- Hester Mundis
Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness.
-- Cullen Hightower
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
-- Hector Berlioz
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
-- Author Unknown
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him
a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to
understand
her at all.
-- Helen Rowland
To exercise is human; Not to is divine.
-- Robert Orben
Trash is not bayou-degradeable.
-- Louisiana road sign
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
-- Terry Grover
When you come to the end of a perfect day, it probably isn't over
yet.
-- Parts Pups '94
While intelligent people can often simplify the complex, a fool is
more likely
to complicate the simple.
-- Gerald W. Grumet
Winter is not a season; it's an occupation.
-- Sinclair Lewis
With my luck, by the time I build a better mousetrap, mice will be
declared
an endangered species.
-- Al Bernstein
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
-- Author Unknown
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
realize
how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
--Calvin & Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
