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According to a
study, they found common words used by happy people are joy, love and
hopeful. And they also found
common words used by other people to describe
happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..."
-- Jay
Leno
To bathe a cat
takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction -- and a cat. The last
ingredient is usually hardest to come by.
--
Stephen Baker
Cats are the
ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on
personal grooming.
Dogs aren't like this. A dog's idea of personal grooming is
to roll in a dead fish.
-- James
Gorman
A man has to
work so hard so that something of his personality stays alive. A tomcat has
it so easy, he has only to
spray and his presence is there for years on
rainy days.
-- Albert
Einstein
A wide screen just
makes a bad film twice as bad.
-- Samuel
Goldwyn
A mind is a
terrible thing to waste... That's why I save mine for special occasions.
-- Author
Unknown
When I have
sex, it takes four minutes. And that includes dinner and a show.
--
Gilbert Gottfried
I think animal
testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
-- Joseph
Blosephina
Honolulu - it's
got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the
wife's mother.
-- Ken
Dodd
Curiosity
killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
-- Steven
Wright
I'm in love
with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive -- she thinks she got me with her
long range rifle, but she missed.
--
Jonathan Colan
Someone once
asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do, and I gave the
commonsensical reply that we
don't have as much money. That was a true but
incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is
satisfied by marriage.
-- Gloria
Steinem
Happiness is
sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he
spent two weeks at a nudist colony.
-- Johnny
Carson
If life were
fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead.
-- Johnny
Carson
Mail your
packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
-- Johnny
Carson
I was so naive
as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
-- Johnny
Carson
Only lie about
the future.
-- Johnny
Carson
People will pay
more to be entertained than educated.
-- Johnny
Carson
Aunt Blabby
(Johnny Carson) You know, I've been depressed lately.
Ed
McMahon
Depressed?
Aunt Blabby
(Johnny Carson)
[Long
pause]
Yes, depressed! Why do you repeat everything? I can go to Taco
Bell for that!
-- from a
sketch on The Tonight Show
The difference
between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time
to hide his money.
~- Johnny
Carson
Miss Piggy to
Johnny Carson, "Do you think I am Oscar material?"
Johnny Carson,
"Oscar Mayer maybe."
"___________________________________________________________."
-- Harpo
Marx
So, there I
was, standing in the middle of the freeway, wearing nothing but an inner
tube, a tutu, my fireman's
hat and some dress socks, and
clutching a bazooka. I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm dealing so much
better with
holiday stress this year!
-- Dave
Williams
Heck is where
people go when they don't believe in gosh.
-- Author
Unknown
My mother said,
"You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."
I said,
"Just wait."
-- Judy
Tenuta
In high school,
I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be
impressive to you, but it was
quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.
-- Rita
Rudner
Shopping is a
woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the
noisy crowds,
the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of
the purchase.
-- Erma
Bombeck
Sometimes when
I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and
think about the
workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If
I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and
their dreams
would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams
come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe
Ruth
An intelligent
man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.
-- Ernest
Hemingway
When I read
about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul
Hornung
When we drink,
we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we
commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk
and go to heaven!
-- George
Bernard Shaw
Beer is proof
that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--
Benjamin Franklin
Without
question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that
the wheel was
also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as
well with pizza.
-- Dave
Barry
Remember "I"
before "E", except in Budweiser.
--
Professor Irwin Corey
To some it's a
six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!
-- Leo
Durocher
A woman drove
me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W. C.
Fields
Every time I
look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
-- Oscar
Levant
I didn't like
the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
--
Groucho Marx
Whatever women
do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.
Luckily, this is not difficult.
--
Charlotte Whitton
I could never
learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
-- Mark
Twain
In America
there are two classes of travel - first-class, and with children.
-- Robert
Benchley
If God had
really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
-- George
Winters
My cuckoo clock
is broken-- all it does is come out and shrug.
-- Author
Unknown
It's good
sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
-- Mark
Twain
Growing up, my Mom
always claimed to feel bad when a bird would slam head-first into our
living room
window. If she *really* felt bad, though, she'd have moved the
bird feeder outside.
-- Rich
Johnson
When I joined
the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional --
I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory."
-- A
soldier unknown
If you watch a
game, it's fun.
If you play it,
it's recreation.
If you work at
it, it's golf.
-- Bob
Hope
I wouldn't mind
being the last man on Earth -- just to see if all of those girls were telling
me the truth.
-- Ronnie
Shakes
For every
person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
-- Author
Unknown
This is not a
novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great
force.
--
Dorothy Parker
The trouble
with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time
around.
-- Herb
Caen
On my income
tax 1040 it says "Check this box if you are blind." I wanted to put a
check mark about three inches away.
-- Tom
Lehrer
Programming
today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better
idiot-proof programs,
and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So
far, the Universe is winning.
-- Rich
Cook
It's good
sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
-- Mark
Twain
A female lawyer
in Seattle is in trouble for having sex in jail with her client who is a
murderer.
How creepy is that? Sex with a lawyer.
-- Jay
Leno
Give me my golf
clubs, the fresh air and a beautiful woman as a partner - and you
can have the golf clubs and the fresh air.
-- George Burns
My mother is a
typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home, she
insisted SHE was guilty.
-- Author
Unknown
The only way
you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
-- Will
Rogers
Used to be, if
you saw someone weaving all over the road, you knew they were drunk--
Now, they're
probably just on the cell phone.
-- Author
Unknown
Sometimes I
wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by
imbeciles who
really mean it.
-- Mark
Twain
According to
the University of Chicago researchers, men produce a hormone that causes them to
develop muscle
mass, which they need to perform masculine tasks that are
biologically necessary for human survival, such as
operating the remote control.
-- Dave
Barry
Some people say
that I must be a horrible person, but that's not at all
true. I have the heart of a
young boy. -- In a jar-- . On my desk.
-- Steven
King
I simply can't
resist a cat, especially a purring one. They are the cleanest, cunningest
and most intelligent things I know.
-- Mark
Twain
Doctors
automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense.
-- Beau M. (age
10)
The person who
said, "Nothing is impossible" never tried to barbecue pancakes.
-- Author
Unknown
It's a small
world, but not if you have to clean it
--
Barbara Kruger
TV evangelists
say they don't favor any particular denomination, but I think we've all seen
their eyes light
up at tens and twenties.
-- Dennis
Miller
All men make
mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
-- Red
Skelton
That married
couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has
overlooked.
-- Bill
Cosby
Sometimes I lie
awake at night and I ask myself, "Where did I go wrong?"
Then a
voice says, "This is going to take more than one night."
--
Charles M. Schultz (thru Charlie Brown in "Peanuts")
Nature has
given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little.
-- Dr. Johnson
The great
question (which I have not been able to answer) is, "What does a woman
want?"
-- Freud
Marriage is
like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those
inside desperate to get out.
-- Montaigne
For a male and
female to live continuously together is, biologically
speaking, an extremely unnatural condition.
-- Robert
Briffault
To a wedding
you walk . . . to a divorce you run.
-- Sholem
Aleichem
All marriages
are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes all the
problems.
-- rubin
The principal
function of the month of March is to use up the winter weather that
wouldn't fit in February.
-- Author
Unknown
There is a new
miracle diet -- The Wall Street Diet. You buy stocks at lunchtime and lose
your butt by dinner.
-- Alan
Mendelson
One thing about
the speed of light -- it gets here too early in the morning.
-- Author
Unknown
------- From
W.C. Fields -------
I drink
therefore I am.
A woman drove
me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
I never drink
water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I never met a
kid I liked.
Anyone who
hates children and animals can't be all bad.
I like children
- fried.
It's one thing
to have to explain to a man why a billion dollar measure has been vetoed, but it
is much more
difficult to explain to a woman why the cap of the toothpaste
has not been put back on.
The best cure
for insomnia is plenty of sleep.
When doctors
and undertakers meet, they always wink at each other.
There may be
some things better than sex and some things may be worse, but there is nothing
exactly like it.
(Asked if he
believed in clubs for women, Fields responded) "Yes, if every other form of
persuasion fails."
All the men in
my family were bearded, and most of the women.
Back in my
rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only
exercise I got.
How well I
remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a
case of
bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
Horse sense is
the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I exercise
extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
I am free of
all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I don't believe
in dining on an empty stomach.
I once spent a
year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
If at first you
don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
I ad lib most
of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
I like to keep
a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
I believe in
tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.
I certainly do
not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
Man "I have no
sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time."
WC "A man
who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy."
Now don't say
you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
Secretary "It
must be hard to lose your mother-in-law."
WC "Yes it is, very hard. It's
almost impossible."
Some weasel
took the cork out of my lunch.
The cost of
living has gone up another dollar a quart.
Thou shalt not
covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
The world is
getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
Women are like
elephants to me -- nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more
pleasant than anywhere else. We
start drinking
early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus,
we'll be seeing six or seven.
Make love,
not war -- Hell, do both, get married.
-----end W.C.
Fields --------------
I'm into Jewish
bondage -- that's having your money tied up in an IRA account.
--
Noodles Levenstein
I have a dog
that's half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but he's a vicious
gossip.
-- Craig
Shoemaker
A Christmas
shopper's complaint is one of long standing.
--
Henny Youngman
Here it is
December again; stores trim their windows as they do their customers.
-- Syman
Hirsch
Santa Claus has
the right idea Visit people once a year.
-- Victor
Borge
All the
problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened
immigration policy
on the part of the American Indian.
-- Pat
Paulsen
Sometimes when
I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the
glass and think
about the workers in the brewery and all of their
hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might
be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is
better that I drink this beer
and let their dreams come true than be selfish and
worry about my liver.'
-- Jack
Handy, Saturday Night Live
Do you have AAA
- AA? It's like AAA, but when you drive off in a ditch drunk, they come
pull you out.
-- AHIO
In the
beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'.
And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry.
-- Kevin
Krisciunas
After Mama gave
birth to 12 of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep
Daddy away from her.
-- Dolly
Parton
If you're going
to do something tonight that you'll be be sorry for tomorrow morning,
sleep late.
-- Henry
Youngman
What am I
saying! It's not just sex and violence. There's also drugs,
cannibalism,
and -by golly- if you think
human singles bars are bad...
-- Jim
Mica
An
archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have, the older she gets, the more
interested he is in her.
-- Agatha
Christie
Camping is
nature's way of promoting the motel business.
-- Dave
Barry
The following have all been attributed to the one and only Groucho Marx
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Politics is the art of looking for
trouble,
finding it, misdiagnosing
it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
We in the industry know that behind
every successful
screenwriter stands a
woman. And behind her stands his wife.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
He may look like an idiot and talk
like an
idiot, but don't let that fool
you. He really is an idiot.
Now there's a man with an open mind-you can feel the breeze from here.
I find television very educating.
Every time
somebody turns on the set, I go
into the other room and read a book.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
There is only one way to find out if
a man
is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,'
you know he is crooked.
The secret of life is honesty and
fair dealing-if
you can fake that, you've
got it made.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Time wounds all heels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I don't have a photograph, but you
can have
my footprints. They're upstairs
in my socks.
Remember men, you are fighting for
the lady's
honor, which is probably more
than she ever did.
The husband who wants a happy
marriage should
learn to keep his mouth shut
and his checkbook open.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Although it is generally known, I
think it's
about time to announce that I
was born at a very early age.
This man has the mind of a
four-year-old boy,
and I bet he was glad to get
rid of it.
Last night I shot an elephant in my
pajamas.
How he got in my pajamas
I'll never know!
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Outside of a dog a book is a man's
best friend.
Inside of a dog it's too
dark to read.
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
In America you can go on the air and
kid the
politicians, and the politicians
can go on the air and kid the people.
I could dance with you till the cows
come home,
on second thought I'll dance
with the cows till you come home.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Why was I with her? She reminds me
of you.
In fact, she reminds me more of
you than you do!
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit-retire!
Here's to our wives and girlfriends-may they never meet!
You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Age is not a particularly
interesting subject.
Anyone can get old. All you
have to do is live long enough.
------ end Groucho quotes
Would you respect my mind more if it
bounced
gently when I walked?
-- Unknown Female
Being a woman is a terribly
difficult trade,
since it consists
principally of dealing with men.
-- Joseph Conrad
My great-grandmother was a strong
woman. She
buried three husbands.
And two of them were only napping!
-- Author Unknown
The trees taunt you; the sand mocks
you; the
water calls
your name... and they say golf is a
quiet game.
-- Author Unknown
I have a tip that can take 5 strokes
off anyone's
golf game.
It is called an eraser.
-- Arnold Palmer
Not only is life a bitch, it has
puppies.
-- Adrienne Gusoff
Do chronic illegal parkers suffer
from parking
zones disease?
-- Author Unknown.
I was going to include a pun about
the number
288, but that would be too gross.
-- Author Unknown
The music business is a cruel and
shallow money
trench, a long plastic
hallway where thieves and pimps run free,
and good men die like dogs.
There's also a negative side.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I
am firmly
convinced that AM on my
radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not
begin to tell you what FM
stands for.
-- Jasper Carrott
He (the doctor) tells me to drink
lemon juice
after a hot bath,
but I can never finish the bath.
-- Bob Eucker
In Biblical times, a man could have
as many
wives as he
could afford. Just like today.
-- Abigail Van Buren
A good wife always forgives her
husband when
she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
The good thing about having a bad
runny nose
around the (Christmas)
holidays is that you don't have to lick all
those stamps and envelopes
when you send out cards.
-- Shaheen Tonse
Once again, we come to the Holiday
Season,
a deeply religious time that
each of us observes, each in his own way,
by going to the mall of his choice.
-- Author Unknown
Happiness is seeing the muscular
lifeguard
all the girls were admiring
leave the beach hand in hand with another
muscular lifeguard.
-- Johnny Carson
What I don't like about office
Christmas parties
is looking for a job the
next day.
-- Phyllis Diller
Please take care when opening the
overhead
compartments because, after
a landing like that, sure as Hell everything
has shifted.
-- Attendant on a flight after landing
during rough thunderstorms
One thing about the speed of light
... it gets
here too early in the
morning.
-- Author Unknown
The trouble with finding your
perfect soul
mate is that she would
probably want to get married, then four
weeks
after the wedding
you would meet another perfect soul
mate,
with larger breasts.
-- Author Unknown
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's
greatest
evils:
people who shouldn't drink with people who
shouldn't sing.
-- Tom Dreesen
I've been trying for some time to develop a
lifestyle that doesn't
require my presence.
-- Gary Trudeau
My girlfriend is not a ball and
chain--she's
more of a spring-loaded trap.
-- Kevin Hench
A fool and his money were lucky to get
together
in the first place.
-- Harry Anderson
The problem with cats is that they get the
same exact look whether they
see a moth or an ax-murderer.
-- Paula Poundstone
Dogs come when they're called; cats take a
message and get back to you.
-- Mary Bly
Women are not supposed to snore, burp,
sweat,
or pass gas...therefore
they must bitch, or they'll blow up.
-- Author Unknown
The only thing I regret is that your stay
is
not shorter.
-- Lord Aberdeen
We hope that, when the insects take over
the
world, they will remember
with gratitude how we took them along on all
our picnics.
-- Bill Vaughan
Older brothers invented terrorism.
'Louie,
see that swamp? There's a
monster in it.' So for years I walked
around it. Until I got a little
older, a little wiser . . . and a little
brother.
-- Louie Anderson
I can walk on water, but on alcohol I tend
to stagger.
-- Author Unknown
I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she
wants
me to see things her way.
-- Jayson Feinburg
She was so wild that when she made French
toast
she got her tongue
caught in the toaster.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
If everything seems to be coming you're
way,
you're probably in the
wrong lane.
-- Michael McDaniel
Electricity originates inside clouds.
There,
it forms into lightning,
which is attracted to the Earth by golfers.
After entering the ground,
the electricity hardens into coal, which,
when dug up by power companies
and burned in big ovens called 'generators',
turns back into electricity ...
where it is transformed by TV sets into
commercials
for beer, which
passes through the consumers and back into
the ground, thus completing
what is known as a 'circuit.'
-- Dave Barry
There's nothing to match curling up with a
good book when there's a repair
job to be done around the house.
-- Joe Ryan
In the past decade or so, the women's
magazines
have taken to running
home-handyperson articles suggesting that
women can learn to fix things
just as well as men. These articles are
apparently
based on the ludicrous
assumption that men know how to fix things,
when in fact all they know
how to do is look at things in a certain
squinty-eyed
manner, which they
learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough
things in the home are
broken, they take a job requiring them to
transfer to another home.
-- Dave Barry
I'm not a complete idiot... some parts are
missing.
-- Author Unknown
I went to a bookstore and asked the
saleswoman
where the Self Help
section was. She said if she told me it would
defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller
The one thing I've learned from all my
years
of cooking is
that it's always quietest just before the
fire alarm.
-- Robert Puckett
If only God would give me some clear sign!
Like making a large
deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
-- Woody Allen
My second favorite household chore is
ironing.
My first being hitting my
head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-- Erma Bombeck
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I
think of them as stray
eyebrows.
-- Janette Barber
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"?
Every
time I hear it, I
think I'm supposed to put my breast
in an envelope and send it to
someone.
-- Jan King
Things are going to get a lot worse before
they get worse.
--Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about having
cerebral
palsy and being a
woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's
how I originally got
pierced ears.
-- Geri Jewell
A male gynecologist is like an auto
mechanic
who never owned a car.
-- Carrie Snow
I never drink water - I'm afraid it will
become
habit-forming.
-- W.C. Fields
I never worry about being driven to drink;
I just worry about
being driven home.
-- W.C. Fields
A vacation is what you take when you can't
take what you've been
taking any longer.
-- Earl Wilson
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said
she
liked me as a friend.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a
ruler.
-- Author Unknown
I realize that there are certain hardships
that only females must
endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines
for public-restroom
stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession
with shoe color. Also,
females tend to reach emotional maturity very
quickly, so that by
age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing
the humor in loud
inadvertent public blasts of flatulence,
whereas
males can continue
to derive vast enjoyment from this well into
their 80s.
-- Dave Barry
In America there are two classes of travel
- first-class,
and with children.
-- Robert Benchley
Men don't care what's on TV. They care
about
what else is on TV.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric
light bulb.
Now turn it off and get to bed!
-- Thomas Edison's Mother
What a hotel we're staying at! The towels
are
so big and fluffy, you can
hardly close your suitcase.
-- Bessie and Beulah
The shower is the greatest invention. I
don't
like to take a bath. I don't
like to wash my face in the water I've been
sitting in.
-- Lewis Grizzard
It took me seventeen years to get three
thousand
hits in baseball. I
did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
-- Hank Aaron
They say that time changes everything, but
it's been a while now and
my kid's diapers aren't getting any cleaner.
-- Jeff Chastain
How can men possibly use sex to get what we
want?
Sex is what we want!
-- Dr. Frasier Crane
And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people
don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't
blame everything on Satan.'
-- George Burns
I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my
arms.
-- Michael Flatley
A century ago women wore unmentionables;
today
they wear nothing
to speak of.
-- Author Unknown
If you are young and you drink a great
deal,
it will spoil your health,
slow your mind, make you fat-in other words,
turn you into an adult.
-- P.J. O'Rourke
I try to take one day at a time, but
sometimes
several days
attack me at once.
-- Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll
just have to be a
horrible warning.
-- Catherine Aird
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a
Puerto
Rican name?
-- Author Unknown
There is nothing wrong with Southern
California
that a rise in the
ocean level wouldn't cure.
-- Ross MacDonald
Americans are a broad-minded people.
They'll
accept the fact that
a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend,
a wife beater, and
even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't
drive there's something
wrong with him.
-- Art Buchwald
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up
my
credit cards.
-- Henny Youngman
The metric system did not really catch on
in
the States, unless
you count the increasing popularity of the
nine-millimeter bullet.
-- Dave Barry
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining
friends. I can win
an argument on any topic, against any
opponent.
People know
this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often,
as a sign of
their great respect, they don't even invite
me.
-- Dave Barry
I've always thought that underpopulated
countries
in Africa
are vastly under populated.
-- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the
World Bank
A lot of people up North, they think
everybody
from the South is
married to their sister and has seen a
UFO.
I told them, "I'm just
dating my sister and couldn't swear that it
wasn't a weather
balloon."
-- Jeff Foxworthy
To me, golf is something you do with your
hands
while you talk. Unless
you smoke - then you never have to leave
the clubhouse.
-- Erma Bombeck
If a woman has to choose between catching a
fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save
the infant's life without
even considering if there is a man on base.
-- Dave Barry
And man shall have dominion over all the
animals
of the earth, except, of
course, the cat.
-- Felines 1310
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing
this
one?
-- Abraham Lincoln
Once you can accept the universe as matter
expanding into nothing
that is something, wearing stripes with plaid
comes easy.
-- Albert Einstein
There's only one way to have a happy
marriage,
and as soon
as I learn what it is, I'll get married again.
-- Clint Eastwood
I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home,
which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog which
growls every morning, a parrot which swears
all afternoon and a
cat that comes home late at night.
-- Marie Corelli
Sometimes the only way you can feel good
about
yourself is by
making someone else look bad. And I'm tired
of making other
people feel good about themselves.
-- Homer Simpson
Why does everyone think that I am a cruel
and
insensitive man?
I mean, come on, I have kids ... on my desk
in little jars!
-- Stephen King
In every dispute between parent and child,
both cannot be right,
but they may be, and usually are, both wrong.
It is this situation
which gives family life its peculiar
hysterical
charm.
-- Isaac Rosenfeld
Ninety eight percent of the adults in this
country are decent,
hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other
lousy two percent
that get all the publicity. But then, we
elected
them.
-- Lily Tomlin
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be
fruitful and multiply",
but not in those exact words.
-- Woody Allen
If you can't annoy somebody there's little
point in writing.
-- Kingsley Amis
Line in will... "I leave to my beloved son
all the money he owes me."
-- Author Unknown
If you can't say what you want to say in
front
of some man, he
isn't the one who's supposed to be within
earshot.
-- Mary Mitchell
Two people, when they've been married
awhile,
begin to look alike,
which scientists believe may have something
to do with sharing towels.
-- Author Unknown
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for
they
are subtle and will not
hesitate to piddle on your computer.
-- Bruce Graham
My greatest fear in life is that no one
will
remember me after I'm dead.
-- Some dead guy
If you want to read about love and
marriage,
you've got to
buy two separate books.
-- Alan King
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen
and
orders a pastrami on
white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
-- Milton Berle
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even
have the decency to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the
cork to my lunch?
-- W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I
gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of
life, so get wasted all of the
time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me,
than
a frontal lobotomy.
-- Tom Waits
Once I wanted to become an atheist, but I
gave
up - they have no holidays.
-- Henny Youngman
If I came to the scene of an accident, and
there was a guy pinned inside
his car with a cell phone wedged up against
the side of his face, I'd leave
him, 'cause he probably already called for
help.
-- Larry Hollister
The problem with some people is that when
they
aren't drunk, they're sober.
-- William Butler Yeats
If you ever reach total enlightenment while
drinking beer, I bet it makes
beer shoot out your nose.
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in
the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone
is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you
can
distinguish it from urine.
-- David Moulton
All the problems we face in the United
States
today can be traced to an
unenlightened immigration policy on the part
of the American Indian.
-- Pat Paulsen
Not all chemicals are bad. Without
chemicals
such as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make
water, a vital ingredient in
beer.
-- Dave Barry
The thing I hate the most about being in
the
twenty-first
century is having to use all these appliances
which were
made way back in the twentieth century.
-- Andy Pierson
For more of Andy's original thoughts, visit
him at: http://i.bet.homepage.com
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't
talk for a year and a half.
-- Gracie Allen
I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply
taller
than my hair.
-- Tom Sharp
Meg confided that she wanted to be
mummified
in the manner of
the ancient Egyptians. It wasn't until the
screaming died down
and the apartment was in total disarray that
the thought occurred
to me that she meant after she died.
-- David Gunter
Women forty-nine years old are having their
first child.
Forty-nine! I couldn't think of a better way
to spend my golden
years. What's the advantage of having a kid
at forty-nine? So
you can both be in diapers at the same time?
-- Sue Kolinsky
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be
fruitful and
multiply,' but not in those words.
-- Woody Allen
Sex without love is an empty experience,
but,
as empty
experiences go, it's one of the best.
-- Woody Allen
I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of
them
suck.
-- George Carlin
I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she
wants
me to see things her way.
-- Jayson Feinburg
Is it progress if a cannibal uses a fork?
-- Stanislaw J. Lec
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness
of sex, there is an important
lesson to be learned: Do not have sex
with the authorities.
-- Matt Groening
Men and women are still divided on the
issue
of smell. Most women
are very sensitive to odors, whereas men,
largely as a result of
smelling their own selves over the eons, have
reached the point
where they tend not to detect any aroma below
the level of a
municipal dump.
-- Dave Barry
It's been so long since I made love I can't
even remember who gets tied up.
-- Joan Rivers
Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his
head on the wall and
it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back
to second base! This is
a terrible thing for the Padres!"
-- Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer
I realize that brain cells are dying all
the
time. I just
hope it's not the ones that remind me to keep
breathing.
-- Kevin Freels
I hate when people honk at me. Unless I'm
taking
a left turn -
then I like it, because that's how I know
it's time to turn.
-- Rita Rudner
It's a good thing Lincoln wrote the
Gettysburg
Address the year
that he did, or else that "four score and
seven years part would
have just been plain wrong.
-- Paul Paternoster
After twelve years of therapy my
psychiatrist
said something that
brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo
ingles.'
-- Ronnie Shakes
Joey Bishop (talk-show host): Would you
like
to become a regular
on the show?
Barry Goldwater: No, thank you. I'd
much rather watch you in bed
with my wife.
This fall, we'll be seeing a new,
redesigned
$20 bill. This is part
of an anti-counterfeiting program to redesign
all of our old currency,
which has become too easy to duplicate with
modern color photocopiers
- a fact that was made all too clear when
Xerox, in its 1997 annual
report, reported profits of "$850 trillion,
mostly in 50s".
-- Dave Barry
So that's 24 points for Schumacher and 23
points
for Hill...so
there's only one point between them if my
mental arithmetic is
correct.
-- BBC sports commentator Murray Walker
The generation of random numbers is too
important
to be left to
chance.
-- Robert R. Coveyou
It is wonderful to be here in the great
state
of Chicago...
-- Dan Quayle
You can observe a lot by watching.
-- Yogi Berra
Steve Jobs has now designated himself as
the
"iCEO" of Apple, saying
that it shows the importance of the Internet.
If we assume that this
makes him the Executive Internet Officer,
and if we further assume that
Apple is going to continue the terminally
cute practice of putting an
"i" in front of everything, and if we assume
that, like every other high
tech company interested in online commerce,
they are going to stick an
"e" in front, then, does that make him the
"eiEIO?"
-- By Cynch Vernadore
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the
children, sun
for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
-- Ken Dodd
I realize that there are certain hardships
that only females must
endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines
for public-restroom
stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession
with shoe color. Also,
females tend to reach emotional maturity very
quickly, so that by
age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing
the humor in loud
inadvertent public blasts of flatulence,
whereas
males can continue
to derive vast enjoyment from this well into
their 80s.
-- Dave Barry
Is Australian beer made with kangaroo hops?
-- WFS
I have plenty of talent and vision...I just
don't give a damn.
-- Author Unknown
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I
didn't like it.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
As the one Irishman said to the other, "Ya
know, a beer is
the only blonde I know with a good head!"
-- Author Unknown
If a canyon ate too much, do you think it
would
gorge itself?
-- Author Unknown
If Right Handed people use the left half of
their brain, then
the left handed people must be in their right
mind.
-- Author Unknown
I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog that growls
every morning, a parrot that swears all
afternoon
and a cat that comes
home late at night.
-- Marie Corelli
The reality you have dialed is not in
service.
Please check
the value of pi or consult your local deity.
-- Paul Benoit
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances
and ends by blocking his retreat.
-- Oscar Wilde
